Funnies – Divorce Humor


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure? “She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago”.  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniac. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best.”I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck”.

Suddenly the woman became somewhat uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.””Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

***

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy, who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”The mother who couldn’t think of an answer and told her son to go ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who was busy serving drinks. She smiled and asked, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?” The boy answered, “Yes, she did.””Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.”

***

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

***

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.” Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

***

An old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, “You can’t go out like that!” She said, “I can go anyway I like and so can you.” Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark-raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you’re going out like that?”And he replies, “Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.

***

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year old ass?”

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

***

DUMB BLOND WITH A TWIST?

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs, to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he asks. She cries, “I’m having a heard attack”

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten S.O.B.” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked, scaring the kids!!”

***

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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